Hotel Scenes from the Velvet Paw of Asquith Novels Page 7
CHAPTER 5
From The Alchemists Of Vra, Chapter 25
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In which Oscar and Vaasi-Vee are chaperoned to a chateau high in the Alps of the Mahlese mountains, which leaves them feeling more uncomfortable than if the Alp’s pointy bits were physically inserted into them.
They passed beneath a stone archway and entered an exquisitely manicured winter courtyard where a gardener was mowing some snow. There were ice sculptures, too, shaped like trees, and a fountain with its water frozen. The chateau looked rather like a castle, but without the pointy bits and with more snow. Oscar and Vaasi-Vee glanced at each other; it looked like the sort of place one had to book several lifetimes in advance, and take out a mortgage for the deposit.
Several animals weighed down with masses of jewellery skied from its entrance. They laughed expensively until falling over, after which they attached stabilising skis to their elbows to help balance their swathes of riches. The D’dôdôSette strode up the chateau’s steps, where a well-rugged attendant bowed so deeply that he also fell over. Oscar wondered about helping him up, before realising he probably couldn’t afford to. The D’dôdôSette marched into the chateau’s innards, which turned out to be as spectacular as its outards—though with less snow and mountains and sky. Chandeliers hung like frozen rain in hallways smelling of smoke-stained oak. The carpet upon which they trod was red, at least a paw thick and probably still the original. Upon pedestals stood suits of armour, with halberds held to attention should their need arise—which seemed unlikely: should enemies ever attempt the climb, they’d be exhausted and probably ask to be helped back down again.
Passing elegant rooms, Oscar and Vaasi-Vee glimpsed animals relaxing and reading and smoking and dining. Some were deep in conversation, others not so inclined and a few caught in indignant combinations of both. Regardless, they were all comfortable in such palatial surrounds, unlike Oscar and Vaasi-Vee, who glanced at each other worriedly.
At a door, the D’dôdô-Sette stopped and knocked. It was opened to reveal a room not unlike those they’d passed. Amidst the murmur of conversation and chinking of glasses, soft music played through air smelling of vanilla and baking. The D’dôdô-Sette stepped aside for Vaasi-Vee to enter. Hesitantly, she did so. But before Oscar could do the same, he pushed in front. Posh animals looked up, before smiling at the famous bard and his beautiful guest. Their expressions fell, however, when Oscar’s grubbiness followed.
With a sort of expensive efficiency, a waiter bowed and fell over, before ushering the D’dôdô-Sette and Vaasi-Vee to a table. After the D’dôdôSette had given instructions, the waiter bowed, fell over a second time, and scrabbled away. Oscar stood beside them awkwardly, waiting for another dainty sneeze. Several nearby patrons glared at him as though he were coated in sick, and one gagged as though about to be.
“Why do they keep falling over?” Vaasi-Vee asked, watching the waiter limp between tables.
“It’s a traditional thing,” the D’dôdôSette said. “It implies a gratitude to serve animals like me so overwhelming, that they lose consciousness.”
“They faint?”
“Yes. It demonstrates our worthiness through a distinct lack of their own.”
“But that’s dreadful!”
“Well, Plempt did try and remove such customs during their tourism campaign, but it didn’t have much effect.”
“Why not?”
“Because their gratitude in serving animals like me is so overwhelming that they lose consciousness.” He looked at Oscar. “You can sit in there,” he said, waving a paw dismissively towards the kitchen. “I’m sure they have a shelf you can stand under. In an establishment such as this, of course, none of them will be wonky, which you might see as a promotion of sorts.”
Oscar glared at glaring patrons, the D’dôdôSette and Vaasi-Vee in that order, lingering on the latter.
“Oscar must sit with us,” Vaasi-Vee said. “In case I get hungry.”
“That, my dear, is what waiters are for.”
“And if I need sticky-tape?”
“Again, waiters.”
She leant forward. “The D’dôdôSette, this might sound silly, but I find these animals and this place rather intimidating—”
He chuckled. “Miss Vaasi-Vee, I can assure you that your beauty alone renders you far above them.”
“That’s nice, but I’m not certain I could think of pertinent questions about your greatness without Oscar here to make me feel more comfortable.”
The D’dôdôSette glanced at Oscar. “His presence makes you feel more comfortable?”
When she nodded, he sighed.
“Very well,” he said. “Sit here, cat. But don’t make any sudden moves. Animals of this establishment are used to the finest things in life, so they will not take kindly to the presence of the worst.”
“Now look here,” said Oscar.
Again, Vaasi-Vee again interrupted. “So, the D’dôdôSette, do you come here often?”
“Well, it’s a quaint place, certainly,” he said, as much to irritate Oscar as impress her. “It’s dreadfully exclusive and unbelievably expensive—but then again, so am I.”
Oscar started to say something again, but the D’dôdôSette spoke over him.
“These animals are all fabulously rich, Miss Vaasi-Vee, and don’t have much to do with the dreariness of the ordinary world—except to make large amounts of money from it, don’t you know.”
“But you know them?” asked Vaasi-Vee, determined not to let Oscar intervene. “You lower yourself regularly to the world of mere mortals?”
“Yes. But only because I’m so generous and great that I insist on sharing my talents with those who have none.”
Oscar folded his paws and glowered. A grave-looking animal at the next table held a napkin to her nose and glowered also.
“I’ve been in a fight, all right?” he growled at her.
She put a paw to her chest as though having never heard anything so outrageous. He was about to ask whether she wanted to be in one, when the D’dôdô-Sette interrupted.
He flashed a pacifying smile at the animal.
“Do not,” he then growled at Oscar, “even begin to speak to these animals, Dooven. For you are so out of your depth here that you have already drowned.”
“Oh, shut up,” said Oscar, having had more than enough of the cat’s artificially permed mane and his great armour plating of fur. He felt worthless in comparison, which afforded an audacity he was keen to spend. If the D’dôdôSette had brought them here to impress Vaasi-Vee while making him feel inadequate, then he could not only suffer the consequences, but take them home in a presentation box. “I’ve had just about enough of you,” he said. “I think you’re confusing yourself with a deity, which is ridiculous considering they generally have more personality and less perm. And considering you were about to belt that dog outside, I find your hypocrisy appalling. Just think yourself lucky I didn’t make the rest of you all smeary too.”
The D’dôdô-Sette’s eyes narrowed. “You didn’t prevent me from doing anything, cat. I was the one who saved you, remember? If I hadn’t stepped in when I did, you’d now have more holes in you than certain expensive imported cheeses.”
Oscar humphed. “I was doing perfectly well until you stuck your big stupid paw in.”
There was a laugh. “You were gnawing your own tail! Had I not removed that ticket inspector when I did, you would now be as tailless as you are earless!”
“That’s as hypocritical as anything I’ve heard, considering your tendencies to rile entire nations. Have you forgotten that politically-attired dog at your stupid recital party?” He leant closer. “I’ve now prevented you from getting into two fights, and if it happens a third time, I shall have to speak to your mother.”
“Well, I recall that ticket inspector being rather insightful when it came to yours!”
“If you don’t revise your attitude, Dodo-thingy, I’ll take you down so many pegs you’ll
be on the floor!”
“Ha! You couldn’t even reach my level to try, you stupid animal!”
Oscar stood, saying, “Then I shall harass you to such a degree, cat, that you’ll be thrown out of this place forever!”
But the D’dôdô-Sette stood also, saying, “That doesn’t matter, you silly animal, considering I own three chateaus already!”
Vaasi-Vee stood also. “That’s enough!” she cried. “Stop this! No more! This is not how respectable animals act!”
Her words cut through tension like something surgical, leaving all three realising the room had fallen silent and its contents staring at them. There was a small cough of disapproval from somewhere, followed by a discreet clearing of throat.
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