Hotel Scenes from the Velvet Paw of Asquith Novels Read online



  THE VELVET PAW OF ASQUITH NOVELS

  HOTEL SCENES

  THOMAS CORFIELD

  Panda Books Australia

  Sydney — New York — Tokyo — Berlin

  “Corfield is a writer who ought to have his poetic licence revoked.”

  —Heidi Maitland, Hard but Fair.

  “Each word has been chosen with no regard for those preceding.”

  —Sorbet Flamm, Highly controversial in a traditional sense.

  “Finally, a reason to encourage illiteracy.”

  —Debbie Stott, Single Minded Mutli-tasker.

  CONTENTS

  Title Page

  Licence Notes

  About the books

  Forward

  Relevant Links

  Doovenism

  Promotion

  Chapter 1

  Chapter 2

  Chapter 3

  Chapter 4

  Chapter 5

  Chapter 6

  Chapter 7

  About the author

  LICENCE NOTES

  Written in Australian English.

  Thank you for downloading this free eBook. You are welcome to share it with your friends, or even force it upon them if they’re not interested. This book may be reproduced, copied and distributed for non-commercial purposes, or even printed out to then write shopping lists on, provided the book remains in its complete original form, which implies a lot of shopping.

  If you enjoyed this book, then there’s something wrong with you. Find a mirror, have a good, hard look at yourself and try to determine what it might be. Asking family members directly can be useful, as can total strangers after recounting a brief synopsis of your life. The latter can, however, result in prosecution, which might go some way to obtaining a differential diagnosis via expert witnesses.

  Read the other Dooven Books.

  Copyright Thomas Corfield

  ABOUT THE BOOKS

  Consider a world inhabited with only cats and dogs: a society recognizable as our own, but with its eccentricities being the norm, rather than the exception. A world where the charm of Kenneth Grahame’s Wind In the Willows meets the exotic world of Ian Fleming’s Bond. A world where fluffy just got dangerous. These are the Velvet Paw of Asquith Novels, also known as the Dooven Books.

  Welcome to the genre of New Fable.

  The books follow Oscar Teabag-Dooven, a secret agent who believes he's more a poet than a spy, in a series of international, jet-setting adventures involving greed, espionage and the odd foray into professional cheese-shaping. Unfolding with a gratuitousness only possible in a world unrestrained by conventional society, the Velvet Paw of Asquith novels take the word mystery far too literally, and the word intrigue not literally enough.

  Despite finding training to be brash and clinical, with too much shouting and not enough singing, Oscar battles villains and tries thwarting their garish plans. But it isn’t easy when unable to do much more than rhyme one lot of words with another. Nevertheless, he succeeds with the help of the characters he meets and a courage that arises the moment he believes it cannot.

  This ebook is accompanied by a Cinematic Audiobook production, which can be found at all good online audiobook retailers and podcast sites, unless it’s not there.

  FORWARD

  One of the recurring themes in the Velvet Paw of Asquith Novels are their absurd hotel scenes. There are lots of hotels in the Velvet Paw of Asquith novels, because their adventures are international and quite tiring. Whether it be irritating concierges, snobby waiters or patrons hard pressed to determine whether the dining rooms’ meals are chicken or fish, the hotel scenes have become iconic in the Dooven Books. Here then, is a collection of such scenes for your digestion. It includes excerpts from the not-yet-released Morrigan Trilogy: the fourth, fifth and sixth books, and gives readers a taste of what is yet to come—which is, frankly, even more ridiculous than what occurs in the first three books. If you like what follows, then it’s recommended that you seek medical help, as you’re clearly as confused as the author, who was recently diagnosed with psychoenteritis and locked up in the sort of room that might be best described as a cupboard.

  Thomas Corfield.

  Now living exclusively in the third person for various legal reasons.

 

  SOME RELEVANT LINKS

  The Velvet Paw of Asquith Novels are representative of the emerging New Fable fiction genre. Consider visiting the following links to find out more about both.

  1. Hotel Scenes from the Velvet Paw of Asquith Novels on Youtube: https://bit.ly/2fNekv9

  2. Chosen Chapters from the Velvet Paw of Asquith Novels on Youtube: https://bit.ly/2fmCbBr

  3. Writing Wrongly – The Middle Bits, a book about writing the Dooven Books, on Youtube: https://bit.ly/2ggF1qB (contains adult themes)